WARNING: RATED PG-34

DON’T WALK

oh and also,

FUCK YOU

I was recently on vacation with my family where I played hundreds of games of Connect Four with my 4-year old nephew. Believe it or not, I beat him every time, and right before I beat him every time, I thought to myself, “Should I let him win? Might be good for his confidence.” But then the voice piped in like a Cobra Kai sensei telling me to “FINISH HIM!” and I’d drop the last checker. Selfish and cruel yes, but what about my confidence? How could I let a weak, barely educated nose-picker take me down in a game made out of yellow plastic? Which inspired this ad idea:

CONNECT FOUR
Because making kids feel dumb, makes you feel smart.

I’m still trying to sort out how I feel about Starburst tropical flavors, so how am I supposed to decide how to feel about your crappy gold Nissan Maxima?
Ok fine, hate it.

What if you were gang raped by theme park employees on a Friday? Wouldn’t you want it to always be Thursday? When everything was right with the world.

I’d scrape a dollar fifty out of my couch and go by one at the corner bodega.

Or blow an alpaca.

Pick one and get rid of that pesky white girlfriend of yours.

My mother used to be the sweetest woman in the world. So why in her sixties has she turned truck driver on me? Mom visited me recently from San Diego and I noticed behavioral changes early in the week. Spitting more. Whistling at construction workers. And when I took her picture one morning, she held up this mug with a sarcastic grin. Is she being passive aggressive or just downright lewd? Then when she returned home to San Diego, she sends me this disgusting phallic image taken from her backyard garden, writing, “Thanks for your hospitality last week. Look at the enormous squash I came home to.” Gross MOM! Keep it up and I’ll make sure someday your nursing home’s water heater “breaks down” every Sunday like clockwork.