We can be sure that all hipsters share two constants: they all wear dirty, ripped jeans two sizes too small and they all worship Lou Reed. I’d like to add a third: they’re made of rubber. It’s a theory.
Let me try to prove it. On Saturday, I was at a Television concert in Central Park (an epic hipster event), and saw a pasty young lad sitting shirtless atop the five-foot metal barrier separating the crowd from the stage. This particularly rebellious hipster was trying to figure out how to swing his feet over the fence, hop down to the restricted side and retrieve his hip sunglasses. After four or five seconds pondering his dilemma, he decided “what the fuck” and took a backwards swan dive off the thing landing neck first onto the barrier’s metal base. Ouch, right? Wrong. Young Iggy Pop bounced right off the metal and, like an Olympic dismount, landed squarely on his Chuck Taylors without emoting so much as a grunt. Anyone else would have easily been paralyzed for life. Hipster dude didn’t lose the cigarette dangling from his lips (a rolled Drum of course).
After witnessing this physical feat, I concluded that hipsters are made of rubber. It also explains their general apathy towards life. The reason hipsters’ emotional levels rarely exceed those of a garden hose is because they’re both made from the same material. Rubber. And what about all the tattoos and piercings? I probably wouldn’t be afraid of needles either if my skin was made of a tough elastic polymeric substance.
Anyway, it’s a theory. What theories have you come up with lately?