Craig Baldo

Vermont Badass

Craig Baldo — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 18:11:22 +0000

Must be the N Train

Craig Baldo — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 23:37:35 +0000

Bushwick Boys

Craig Baldo — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:39:15 +0000

Bushwick Boys Episode 1: Holidays – watch more funny videos

I Set Records

Craig Baldo — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:26:49 +0000

Craig Baldo — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:00:09 +0000

Hope you’re keeping up with me on Twitter and Kwitter (not on that one anymore). Been writing for MTV’s Silent Library and warming up the Colbert Report.

30 Seconds of Stand-Up

Craig Baldo — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 22:21:02 +0000

I was on this wonderful comedy album celebrating six years of the best alt comedy scene ever in New York City. Buy it HERE. At the final show I did a tribute to the 30 Seconds of Stand-Up segment with a remix (courtesy of DJ Blue) of its catchy intro chant written by Bobby Tisdale. Take a listen..

Why We Celebrate St. Paddy’s Day

Craig Baldo — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:34:25 +0000

Puking. A St. Patrick’s Day tradition. Worldwide, people celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by slugging pints to the point of regurgitation. A tribute to the great Saint Patrick, who himself was a bar brawling boozehound. Patrick was in and out of AA his entire adult life until finally losing the battle with the bottle at age 28 when he drove his Iroc Z into a South Jersey quarry during a So Co bender with Jenny McCarthy. After pulling his charred body from the wreckage, the coroner determined the cause of death was alcohol poisoning. St. Patrick’s Day was born.

Saint Patrick stood for more than getting pissed. There was a greater passion. Was it the Church? No. His motherland, Ireland? Don’t be fuckin’ stupid. Saint Patrick adored the color Green. Every day he’d throw on a splash of green before work- green boxers, green bow tie, cheap plastic green hat, it made him feel fly like a pimp leprechaun.

Why? Because Green is dope. Not offensive like other colors. Remember Crayola’s Faggot Blue? Without Green, we’d be sitting at intersections all day; there’d be no jolly giants, no Limon in Sprite. Saint Patrick knew it, and for this we honor him once a year.

Here are suggestions on how to incorporate more Green into your St. Patrick’s Day:

Recipe for Green Cake:

1. Buy Betty Crocker white cake mix

2. Follow directions on box

3. Add green food dye

4. Cook

Recipe for Green Pancakes

1. Buy Bisquik

2. Follow pancake directions on box

3. Add green food dye

4. Cook

Recipe for Green Beer

1. Pour Budweiser into glass

2. Add green food dye

Recipe for Green Beans

1. Buy or grow them

Types of Green Clothing to Wear

1. Green Socks

2. Green Slacks

3. Purple Tie (psyche!)

4. Green Halter Top

M0vies to Rent

1. The Green Mile

2. Fried Green Tomatoes

3. Any Seth Green movie

Water Cooler Conversation Topics

1. Shamrocks

So this March 17th, remember the great Saint Patrick and why you’re celebrating his life: because you love the color green and puking up cabbage (not to be confused with a Jets tailgate). And on second thought, never watch a Seth Green movie.

The Clue

Craig Baldo — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:56:26 +0000

Okay call me Richard Beltzer, but after passing this crime scene yesterday, I deduced that some pretty sleazy shit had gone down. I could not however be 100% positive. All I had was a Lexus with a smashed rear window parked on the curb next to a fire hydrant. I needed better evidence that douchebaggery had been afoot.

So I peeked into the front window and lo and behold, hanging from the rear view mirror was the missing piece to the puzzle.

That’s right, it’s an Ed Hardy air freshener. Musta been a helluva meth binge.
(btw, what does an Ed Hardy air freshener smell like? I’m guessing coconut and sperm.)

Did it in a Minute

Craig Baldo — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:00:14 +0000

Here’s a Hall and Oates classic. The opening keyboards pretty much sum up the 1980s. Melanie Samarasinghe described Daryl Hall’s singing style perfectly: “He just gets so into it.”

You Know Jack

Craig Baldo — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:44:39 +0000

It’s funny when you see a dog barking and the owner’s like, “Oh I know, Sparky, I know,” like they know. Truth…you don’t know. Right now your dog probably wants to dry hump a beanbag chair or shit out a spool of twine. Or maybe he wants to know why people keep talking to him like he’s a friggin’ idiot. Whatever’s going on in that pea-brained dog head of his, I’m sure you don’t know what it is, so don’t tell him you know. He doesn’t understand you. And If he did, he’d probably tell you why he’s barking.