1. It’s important to always be yourself, except on Halloween.

2. Do not focus on journey’s end. Focus on the hits they made when they were together.

3. When you’re feeling nauseas, eat jellybeans. Makes vomiting beautiful.

4. If you’re thinking of committing suicide, STOP! Watch Raging Bull first. Great movie.

5. Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. Try Greenwich, Connecticut.

6. Regret nothing in life, except when you went skinny-dipping with your orthodontist.

7. Pray to God for things you really need, not for things that you think God will think you’re cool for wanting.

8. Eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Eating at Applebee’s once a day will make you shit lava.

9. On your grandfather’s 100th birthday, do not throw him a surprise party.

10. Mimes that juggle fifteen balls aren’t all that.

11. If a deaf person sees you doing the YMCA dance, he’ll be thinking, “Who wrote a song called, ‘Touchdown, McDonalds, Half Moon, Christmas Tree’?”

12. The key to happiness is F9. On a Mac it’s F11.

13. When doing squats in the gym, never accept a spot from a guy wearing a “Les Mis” t-shirt.

14. Do not attempt a cross-country road trip in a trolley. You won’t make it out of San Francisco.

15. On a business resume, under special skills do not include “eaves dropping.”

16. If you drop acid and listen to any Jonas Brothers album straight through, beginning to end, with all the lights turned off, it will suck.

17. Fantastik spelled correctly with a “c” won’t clean shit.

18. If you miss seeing a lunar eclipse that happens once every sixty thousand years, hold your thumb up to the moon, obstructing your view. Same payoff.

19. In 1804, only rich people shopped in 99-cent stores.

20. E=MC2. A-HOLE=MCHAMMER.