A couple years ago, a provision in an unresolved spending bill by Congress gave legislative aides access to individuals’ income tax returns. Who was responsible for writing this insane provision, and how did it almost go unnoticed? I do not have the answers to these questions, but one of my Washington sources recently came across a copy of this 3-thousand page spending omnibus bill in a Congressman’s dumpster, and I read it. Let me tell you, Congress peeking at your tax returns should be the least of your worries, America. Take a look at some of the other unsettling provisions I found in the bill:

-“Members of Congress may enter your home and fiddle with your thermostat.”

-“U.S. Senators may cheat at solitaire and take credit for a win.”

-“Congress has the right to determine defense spending ironically.”

-“Every four years, Republican Senators will lead the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with their balloon: ‘John Murtha in a Bikini.’”

-“Education will be funded with loose change from illegal immigrants’ couches.”

-“Senate Majority Leader decides who will be the Last Comic Standing!”

-“Congress has the right to veto rock with scissors.”

-“The last Eggo always goes to the House.”