I just turned 30 years old. Turning 30 is not so bad for some people. I, however, am having a difficult time with it. All of the sudden, I’m old, and what do I have to show for it? A futon couch and 400 compact discs. I feel like the rug of youth was just yanked out from under my feet. I now lie on my face. Nose to the ground, I smell the pungent residue from my decadent 20s permeating the cracks of my hardwood memories. Smells like someone threw a huge party.

The party’s over. Time to clean up. I have decided to take baby steps toward a healthier, more responsible life as a 30-year-old man. I must prioritize my behavioral obligations, shedding first my especially hedonistic traits- boozing while showering, running through closed glass doors- followed by the release of my smaller sophomoric habits such as washing my sheets biannually.

As a man in his 30s, I have decided that the first thing I will eradicate from this uninhibited life of mine is the one-night stand. Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us have engaged in some sort of brief, heat-of-the-evening sexcapade. Remember freshman year of college? What about that Sting concert? And travelling through Europe, so far from home? “Paris is such a romantic city. Let’s go dry hump behind that dumpster.” At one time or another, we’ve all let loose against our better judgement and desecrated our bodies for pure physical pleasure. (If you haven’t, then just stop reading this.)

Men and women tend to have different feelings about one-night stands. A man can morally recover from a one-night stand more quickly than it takes him to forget her name. A woman tends to blame hers on vodka.

I’ve had my share of one-nighters, and I can’t say that I regret any of them. On the other hand, I don’t exactly think of them as the high points of my 20s. And now, as I enter my thirtieth year, my feeling toward one-night stands is that they’re downright inappropriate, and that if I don’t rid my life of them, I’ll wind up a lonely old man. So from now on, if I am to have a sexual experience, it will be with someone for whom I care deeply. I will never again bring home some random girl unless she’s extremely hot or has exceptionally large breasts. Otherwise, I’ll just get a phone number and say goodnight. I’m 30 years old for Christ’s sake. No woman is worth jeopardizing my adult integrity. However, if I were to pick up a Chinese girl (I’ve never been with a Chinese girl), I’d have to bend the rule. Any Asian woman or Latino woman I would have to say yes to. It would be more of a cultural experience than a one-night stand, anyway, if she happened to be Asian or Latino or Swedish. (I’ve never had Swedish tail before either. I’ve definitely fantasized about it: “Sneutin Koemer, Baldo! Sneutin Koemer!”)

So if she’s Asian, Latino, Swedish or mulatto, I will amend the original rule of no one-night stands. Otherwise I’m ready to meet a nice girl, settle down and commit. I should probably mention a threesome as another exception. I’d go for that as a one-night stand – hell, as a one-hour stand. Although three people might be a bit tight on my twin bed…oh, did I mention twins? I would definitely have a one-night stand with twins or just one twin. As long as she was a twin I’d sleep with her immediately because I’d know that somewhere there was another one just like her I could potentially bang someday. That would be some weird sexual deja vu shit! And triplets! Oh my god, forget about it. Hat trick!

It feels good to make changes in my life. I think another change that I will make is the terminology I use to describe the act of sex. I will no longer refer to my sexual experiences as “having sex.” From now on “making love” will be the phrase I use. And certainly, having a one-night stand does not constitute “making love.” So if I stop having one-night stands, I will stop “having sex” and start “making lo…” – oh my God, I almost forgot: lesbians! Let me back track a little…. If I were to meet a lesbian who would break her lesbian rule for me, then I would definitely stretch my one-night stand rule for her. Are you kidding? Mormon dudes would relinquish half their wife stock to shag a lesbo. I hear a lesbian’s tongue has 200 more muscles than a straight girl’s tongue, and most lesbians have tongue-piercings, which by the way, is also an exception. Any girl with any piercing anywhere on her body, any tattoos, mutations, amputations or noncontagious conditions would be seriously considered for a one-night hook-up. Novelty is definitely a factor.

I think I’ve made my point with this. I’m not a young guy anymore hooking up with young girls, although young girls are so hot. Okay, last exception, I swear! If a girl is legal or soon to be legal and under the age of, say, 25 or 26, I’d make that small exception, because let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger, and so long as I’m physically able to pick a ripe peach from the tree, why the hell not do it? These youngsters might not be as willing when I’m 70.

Which brings me to my very last exception: I’d have a one-night stand with a 60- or 70-year old woman if she were fit and intelligent. It would be like volunteer work- also educational, like reading a Dickens novel. By the way, all these exceptions to my rule are not absolute. Like, if a girl I made an exception for were an illegal alien, I’d have to think about it, unless she was a virgin over 18. The only absolute to an exception is if a girl is a legally aged virgin. That’s just a given, right? Any man who was offered, by a woman of legal age, her virginity would not turn it down. It is written. See, it gets complicated. But that’s what happens when you get older. Life gets more complex.

So that’s it. No more one-night stands. I’m 30 years old and ready to take my life to a new level. I’m turning over a new leaf. No more wild nights of cruising chicks for cheap thrills. I can’t be a swinger my entire life. I need stability. It feels good to come clean with all of this. I feel like a better person already. And to think, a little over a year ago, on my twenty-ninth birthday, I was in a Vegas hotel room with some sleazy hooker. Never again! Unless of course hookers start lowering their rates a little bit.