My once writing partner Albertina and I used to write a column called “Tooshay”. Kind of a smart-assy “he said/she said” thing. Here are a couple of them..

Topic: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

Albertina: So, Angelina and Brad recently adopted yet another kid from Indonesia or some crap.

Craig: How many is that now?

Albe: A bunch. It makes me angry. I just want Brangelina to have more Shiloh’s.

Craig: Please don’t say “Brangelina.”

Albe: Why not?

Craig: Because it makes me feel like I’m talking to a VH1 show. What’s so special about Shiloh?

Albe: She’s gorgeous.

Craig: You’re only saying that because Brad & Angelina are the parents.

Albe: Have you seen her? She’s legitimately a sexy baby.

Craig: People don’t become sexy until the age of four.

Albe: Dude.

Craig: What I mean is that babies don’t look like people until they’re four. Until then, they’re just little fleshy shit machines.

Albe: Baby hater.

Craig: I’m not, but if you put five babies in a lineup, to me they’d all look equally cute.

Albe: What kind of adorable crime would warrant a baby lineup?

Craig: I don’t know. Nap Evasion?

Albe: Crawling and Entering.

Craig: Rape.

Albe: Point is, Shiloh has extraordinary features.

Craig: I still think you say that because you know who her parents are, and because she’s always dolled up in magazines. If you ever ran into her on the street, you’d be like, “Out of my way, baby!”

Albe: No way. I’d be like “Damn, baby! You a fine lookin’ baby!”

Craig: Whatever.

Albe: You’re just jealous because Brangelina and their baby are hotter than you.

Craig: You’re in love with Brangelina, aren’t you?

Albe: Yes.

Craig: I just said “Brangelina”. Son of a bitch.

Topic: Holding Hands

CB: I don’t like holding hands in public with a girl until I’ve dated her for like 10 months.

AR: Why 10 months?

CB: Because by then I should know if I really like her.

AR: Know what’s super hot? Reluctance.

CB: I just don’t like being openly intimate until…

AR: We’re not talking about dry-humping on the F train.

CB: I just feel like hand holding is a gesture of ownership. And until I’m officially off the market, I don’t want other women seeing me as such.

AR: But you’ll have sex with a girl on the first date?

CB: Sure why not.

AR: (silence)

CB: What? Sex is just a thing you do early in a relationship. Like sharing an appetizer.

AR: So you think having sex is like eating a potato skin?

CB: Sort of. (Pause) Seriously, why do girls feel they need to pee a circle around a guy?

AR: You’re looking way too into this. Girls hold hands with you for the same reason they hold hands with a 5-year old– to not lose you at the mall. And because for some stupid reason, they like you.

CB: Still though, I don’t want to be shackled until I know for sure.

AR: Is that also why you don’t have a job?

CB: Now you understand.

AR: So basically you have a fear of commitment. How does it feel to be a cliché?

CB: Feels great so long as you’re not holding my hand.

AR: By the way, how long was your longest relationship?

CB: 10 months.