Puking. A St. Patrick’s Day tradition. Worldwide, people celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by slugging pints of Bud Light to the point of regurgitation. A tribute to the great Saint Patrick, who himself was a staggering sext-er. Patrick was in and out of AA his entire adult life until he finally lost the battle with the bottle at age 28 after driving his Iroc-Z into a South Jersey quarry during a SoCo bender with Jenny McCarthy. After pulling his charred body from the wreckage, the coroner determined the cause of death was alcohol poisoning. St. Patrick’s Day was born.

Saint Patrick stood for more than getting piss-your-plaid-pants drunk. There was a greater passion. Was it the Church? No. His motherland, Ireland? Don’t be fuckin’ stupid. Saint Patrick adored the color Green. Every day he’d throw on a splash of green before work- green boxers, green bow tie, cheap plastic green hat, it made him feel like a leprechaun pimp.

Why? Because Green rules. It’s not offensive like other colors. Remember Crayola’s Faggot Blue? Without Green, we’d be sitting at intersections all day, neglecting the planet, worshiping a jolly Mauve giant. Saint Patrick knew it, and for this we honor him once a year.

Here are suggestions on how to incorporate more Green into your St. Patrick’s Day:

Recipe for Green Cake:

1. Buy Betty Crocker white cake mix

2. Follow directions on box

3. Add green food dye

4. Cook

Recipe for Green Pancakes

1. Buy Bisquik

2. Follow pancake directions on box

3. Add green food dye

4. Cook

Recipe for Green Beer

1. Pour Bud Light into glass

2. Add green food dye

Recipe for Green Beans

1. Buy or grow them

Types of Green Clothing to Wear

1. Green Socks

2. Green Slacks

3. Yellow Tie (psyche!)

4. Green Halter Top

M0vies to Rent

1. The Green Mile

2. Fried Green Tomatoes

3. Any Seth Green movie

Water Cooler Conversation Topics

1. Shamrocks

So this March 17th, remember the great Saint Patrick and why you’re celebrating his life: because you’re puking up cabbage and you love the color green (not to be confused with a Jets tailgate). On second thought, never watch a Seth Green movie.